Pick up put downs.

Being reasonably attractive- and my style of dress not being what one might deem, in any way, conservative- I am daily propositioned with a veritable trove of generic, over-used pickup lines. Some are amusing, others flattering, but most make me seriously envy deaf people. But, for both of our entertainment, I've decided to list a few of my favorites, attached with a few of my own insights towards these genius traps of ingress.

HEY BABY, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
I'm an adult entertainer. This is a no brainer:



But I mean, seriously guys- is there even a little part of your cognitive thought process that really thinks something THIS DUMB might actually get me to peel off my panties in a haze of uncontrollable lust? You'd have better luck complimenting my boobs.

Seriously. Compliment them. I'm waiting.

WE SHOULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET AND PUT U AND I TOGETHER...

And when you're done with that, go ahead and put N and O together as well. Oh. Wait. They already are? Well. Why fuck with a good thing? Have I mentioned that alphabet soup is delicious?


IS YOUR DADDY FROM OUTER SPACE? CAUSE THAT ASS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Actually, my father was from outer-space. He died when I was five- his transponder ship crashing with an out of orbit drone while on his way to Algenian-6. He was an emissary heading to Count Dooku in the attempt to squelch the Seperatist movement's eminent attack by Droid army. But, alas, his death was in vain. For not even weeks later, Senator Palpatine abused his granted authority, disbanded the republic, and appointed himself lone ruler of a totalitarian Galactic Empire--

Wait, did you just say I had a nice ass?

IS THERE A MIRROR IN YOUR POCKET? CAUSE I CAN SEE MYSELF IN YOUR PANTS...

Well, that's weird. Because I can see you in a prison cell getting sodomized by your Armenian cell mate, Dirkimavitch, with a dirty toilet brush like the sex-offending creep you are. Hmm, is it just me, or was that actually kinda hot?

HEY, WANNA FUCK?
Absolutely.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT PIE, BUT YOU SURE MAKE MY BANANA CREAM.

I don't care who you are, that... that's just fucking funny.

ARE YOU TIRED? CAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND ALL DAY.

Well, while that's really nice of you- and I am in good shape- I doubt even I could run all day in a vacuum. Next.

LET'S MAKE BABIES.

How about cyanide?

I LIKE THAT SHIRT. I'D LIKE IT EVEN MORE CRUMPLED UP BESIDE MY BED THE MORNING AFTER.

Great! You can find one just like it at Wal-Mart. While you're there, pick up a rubber glove, some vasoline, and a Bunsen burner so you can wrap a fifi inside it, making a date of the affair. Could you also see if they have a flashing neon sign there that says, "I don't fuck suckers"?? I think mine burned out.

I could go on, but I'm somehow actually managing to turn myself off. But boys, just keep things simple. And remember that the best kind of pick up line is NO pick up line. Oh, and diamonds. Those work too. :)